Nobility
by amenee
Summary: Ciel contemplates his life and misgivings in front of his butler— the butler gives an answer.


"Sebastian."

"Yes, my Lord?"

"I've… forgotten how to smile."

Ciel stood before the windows in his office, looking out over the gardens of the renovated mansion. His fiance had just left his property, having been over for two days.

Ciel loved Elizabeth, of this he was sure- but to what extent was what left him weary the most. The slightly older blond felt more like a sister than a wife, the later a concept that Ciel didn't see probably of having any time soon, with how his life seemed to be as dreary and hectic as it was nearly all the time.

He'd turned over facts of how he felt of the other since he matured- since the approaching date grew closer and closer. Ciel was already nineteen, Elizabeth half a year older than him, and a possible wedding date could come any day now, especially considering that winter was near, along with Ciel's birthday and the prospect of spring to come after with Elizabeth's own birthday.

"How would you like for me to assist you with such a problem, my Lord?"

"Don't."

"Then what is it you're asking of me—"

"Simply listen, Sebastian."

"As you wish."

Ciel walked to sit at his desk, steeping his fingers in front of his face as he leaned forward with his elbows on the wooden furniture. He took a much needed deep breath, his thoughts racing a mile a minute and quite too fast for him to keep up with.

"It was been what— seven years since _that_ day, no?" He questioned, his voice calm and facial expression straight. "I should be close to happy, content, _alright._ Instead I'm…"

"Yes?" The butler asked after a moment's pause.

"I'm… cold."

"If you're inquiring about the heating, my-"

"I told you to merely listen." Ciel reminded him quietly yet strongly, his butler nodding once more and waiting for him to continue.

"I don't feel happiness as I used to, Sebastian. I still faintly remember the days when I would play freely- where I would laugh, tell jokes, smile… You see, once _that_ happened— well…"

Ciel looked up at his butler from where he'd been idly tracing patterns with his eyes on the polished wood before him. Searching his butler's face for any hint of what the other was thinking about, he looked back down after only finding a well of curiosity and a feather's touch of what could possibly be concern.

"I lost it all."

Looking as if he were about to ask Ciel to elaborate, the teenager took another breath before speaking once more.

"I lost many things in that chapter of my life. My childhood, my innocence, my parents, my home— my sense of positive emotions… I lost nearly everything to my name during that time. I thought it would never come back, and I was right when it comes to most of it. Sure, we've rebuilt the mansion, and I've grasped onto my family name and wealth and so much more… however—"

Looking up at Sebastian once more and meeting his gaze, Ciel spoke again. "I'd trade it all for what I didn't gain back."

"My Lord…"

"Do not take this as a moment of weakness, Sebastian." Ciel said firmly, his eyes hardening as he looked at the other. _"I'm not weak."_

The words sounded more like a reassurance to himself than a fact, the Earl choosing to ignore it.

"I would never suggest such a thing."

"You would."

"If could manage to explain…"

"Sebastian, I've barely grown a foot since I turned fourteen, perhaps lying three inches or less over five feet. If anything, I've only lost a bit of weight— if not staying the same. I'm pale as a ghost. In most eyes, I look quite pathetic— almost dead." Ciel asserted, his eyes still hard as his voice flowing through the office with a stern tone. "I even consider myself quite lacking in many things."

"However, my Lord—"

"Sometimes I come to question what exactly I'm doing."

"Sir?"

"Why do I continue living, Sebastian?"

The butler looked a bit shocked at the slate-haired boy's question, his eyes narrowing slightly. He looked the boy over, as if scanning his body for any tell tale signs of depression that he suspected the boy to be suffering from.

"I haven't done anything that you're thinking, Sebastian."

"If I may—"

"Don't…" Ciel started, turning around and moving towards his desk chair. "Don't speak."

The silence between the two was anything but awkward, the demon letting his master control his actions without an order out of curiosity. There was a drop of concern that was slowly spreading into a puddle— and soon large enough to be considered a lake, as the boy sat quietly. "I've…

"I've asked myself this _many_ times, to be frank with you, Sebastian." Ciel spat out, his still impossibly large eyes clouding with contempt towards himself. "This may sound quite weak, especially between you and I considering your— origins… but I feel as if my seventeen years here have been seventeen too long."

Sighing as he ran a hand through his hair and eventually brought it down to rub at the bridge of his nose with firm fingers, Ciel looked up at his butler. "You have permission to say what you may."

"I'll speak as myself, and not as your butler."

Ciel nodded, sighing slightly as he resigned himself to hear the worst.

"My lord, in your seventeen years, have you truly understood the French term 'noblesse oblige'? It's meant to connote that one has… certain responsibilities to one's status. You are noble, Ciel. I'd loathe to see that languid monster inside of you go to waste." Sebastian dropped to his knees, bowing his head in reverence. "You live because you can't choose anything else. Even if your sparkling crown turns to dust, you'll claw yourself back up because you have_pride."_

"Now my lord, look at me and tell me your wish."

Ciel gave the other a once over, locking eyes with the demon.

_ "Devour me."_


End file.
